November 24, 2012
Senior Dating – The Sequel
After nearly five futile years of looking for that last
full-time companion, the one who will make us smile, follow us into the sunset,
hold our hand and be by our side forever;
the one on whom we can count on in need in our declining years, our
friend, our mentor, our partner, our companion, the task has become seemingly
impossible.
Through the hoping, the searching, the nail-biting, and hair
pulling (that is, for those of us with at least a little hair left), a plethora
of obstacles rears its ugly head and becomes undeniably apparent. Those things that get in our way; the real
reasons senior dating is so vastly different from those exciting days of our
youth when every weekend was an adventure; the all important ‘chemistry’,
compatibilities, resources, assets, geography, baggage, religion, developed
preferences for activities, abilities, health issues, income, etc., ad naseum;
all of those considerations that must be explored for the perfect mate. At this point in our lives, there now exists
a host of hurdles, preferences for living the good life few of which any
garden-variety citizen is willing to sacrifice accompanied by a diminished pool
of contenders – success in remating at this time in life is a challenge not for
the feint of heart.
Sixty is now the new 40 and many of us have lots of miles
left and have no desire for mundane activities such as marathon bridge
tournaments, shuffleboard, and bake sales.
No. We’re the new face of senior
living, arriving on the scene, passport in hand, long standing memberships in
our local gym where we can still out lift and out run some members half our
age, and ready for the next adventure.
We want to run, hike, climb, ski, dive, sail and otherwise experience
life. We’re alive, loving it and ready
to go out in a blaze of glory!!
Yessir!!! We are not the face of
our grandparents’ retirement community.
I belong to an on-line dating site just for seniors. Seems the electronic age has stepped in and
saved us from a tradition of hanging out at senior centers and joining that
shuffleboard team, hoping to find signs of life. We spend exorbitant amounts of time taking and
posting pictures, writing bios and presenting ourselves in our best light. The world is at our fingertips and the
shopping just improved . . . or did it?
Lets take a look at some of those aforementioned obstacles.
Chemistry – I love this word, ‘chemistry’ and have come to
snicker at the profiles of acceptable gentlemen who require this mysterious
chemistry thing to be present when they meet a lady. What are they hoping for? We’re old people, for crying out loud! I, on the other hand, have posted a caveat
about this enigmatic condition, fully realizing it to be a condition of youth,
related to raging hormones. I’ve
carefully pointed out that neither Angelina or Brad have profiles on the site,
thereby rendering the possibility of love-at-first-sight chemistry pretty close
to nil. Recaptivating youth in all its
splendor or being the catalyst to restore waning libido in aging men is not
something that I offer, although it would seem that is the expectation. Come on, guys!! Give it a break. As Dr. Phil would say, “You need to get
real.”
Another pet word that comes up a lot is “baggage.” Fifty years ago, this was a non-issue. What do you suppose all of these people mean
by “baggage?” Do I take it to mean the
absence of life experience? The ups and
downs that have molded us into the mature people that we are? Does that mean that our ex’s and children
were/are saints? And that we will never
in our lives again receive a phone call to assist? Or that we will never be concerned with our
children, grandchildren, health, or finances?
We have no fears or cautions to guide us? What the hell do you people mean, “no
baggage?” That’s absurd. Of course, we ALL have baggage! That’s life.
It’s how we handle it that makes or breaks us. Have we addressed our fears? Have we told our children/grandchildren that
the bank is closed, have a nice life? Do
we have our health issues addressed and are living the best life possible? Or do we continue to defy and assure that we
will be a burden in the future?
Baggage! Bah-humbug!!
From there, the sorting goes to locations. Many expect to find happiness right next door
(do a demographic survey and see how that works for you). Others are looking for someone to give up
their life and join them at their place, thereby ensuring the heirs an intact
inheritance and the hapless newcomer the joy of potentially relocating again if
their benefactor expires ahead of them. Most
of us own homes and have lives and are dug in right where we are and are
reluctant to relocate.
Yes. Death. At our age, it’s the elephant in the
room. This is certainly not something
that came up in conversation back in the day.
We were immortal as youth, you know.
Now our mortality is real and something that needs to be addressed if we
are to take a promising relationship to the next level. How do you broach this? How do you introduce actuarials in a romantic
context? Or does one just ignore this fact
of life and hope for the best? That’s
risky. Most of us are smarter than that.
Religion, of course is something that is non-debatable,
IMHO. We have our preferences and some
organizations take very tight control of their congregations. For that, it seems that the only answer is to
join or walk away. For others,
negotiations can be brought to the table.
The field is narrowing.
Given the magnitude of the task and the mountains of
barriers, is it even possible for those of us over 60 to ever find love
again? For a rich man, he can buy a
trophy wife. A rich woman, a boy
toy. For us poor average schmucks, it’s
a little tougher. Those of us, male or
female, with assets and comfortable incomes are not keen to share it with those
that don’t. The active will bypass the
struggling. If we love our homes and
communities, we’re not moving. Our families now come first and they won’t be
out prioritized by a newcomer.
We are doomed by our own successes and failures. We have hardened into our narrow lives of
daily routine and dwindling dreams. It
seems that our keenly developed and stubborn preferences and lifestyles have
restricted our accesses and availabilities to the very things we would love
most – companionship. And oh, yes! Don’t forget the chemistry.
