Senior Dating - The Sequel

November 24, 2012

Senior Dating – The Sequel

After nearly five futile years of looking for that last full-time companion, the one who will make us smile, follow us into the sunset, hold our hand and be by our side forever;  the one on whom we can count on in need in our declining years, our friend, our mentor, our partner, our companion, the task has become seemingly impossible. 

Through the hoping, the searching, the nail-biting, and hair pulling (that is, for those of us with at least a little hair left), a plethora of obstacles rears its ugly head and becomes undeniably apparent.   Those things that get in our way; the real reasons senior dating is so vastly different from those exciting days of our youth when every weekend was an adventure; the all important ‘chemistry’, compatibilities, resources, assets, geography, baggage, religion, developed preferences for activities, abilities, health issues, income, etc., ad naseum; all of those considerations that must be explored for the perfect mate.  At this point in our lives, there now exists a host of hurdles, preferences for living the good life few of which any garden-variety citizen is willing to sacrifice accompanied by a diminished pool of contenders – success in remating at this time in life is a challenge not for the feint of heart.

Sixty is now the new 40 and many of us have lots of miles left and have no desire for mundane activities such as marathon bridge tournaments, shuffleboard, and bake sales.  No.  We’re the new face of senior living, arriving on the scene, passport in hand, long standing memberships in our local gym where we can still out lift and out run some members half our age, and ready for the next adventure.  We want to run, hike, climb, ski, dive, sail and otherwise experience life.  We’re alive, loving it and ready to go out in a blaze of glory!!  Yessir!!!  We are not the face of our grandparents’ retirement community.

I belong to an on-line dating site just for seniors.  Seems the electronic age has stepped in and saved us from a tradition of hanging out at senior centers and joining that shuffleboard team, hoping to find signs of life.  We spend exorbitant amounts of time taking and posting pictures, writing bios and presenting ourselves in our best light.  The world is at our fingertips and the shopping just improved . . . or did it?  Lets take a look at some of those aforementioned obstacles.

Chemistry – I love this word, ‘chemistry’ and have come to snicker at the profiles of acceptable gentlemen who require this mysterious chemistry thing to be present when they meet a lady.  What are they hoping for?  We’re old people, for crying out loud!  I, on the other hand, have posted a caveat about this enigmatic condition, fully realizing it to be a condition of youth, related to raging hormones.  I’ve carefully pointed out that neither Angelina or Brad have profiles on the site, thereby rendering the possibility of love-at-first-sight chemistry pretty close to nil.  Recaptivating youth in all its splendor or being the catalyst to restore waning libido in aging men is not something that I offer, although it would seem that is the expectation.  Come on, guys!!  Give it a break.  As Dr. Phil would say, “You need to get real.”

Another pet word that comes up a lot is “baggage.”  Fifty years ago, this was a non-issue.  What do you suppose all of these people mean by “baggage?”  Do I take it to mean the absence of life experience?  The ups and downs that have molded us into the mature people that we are?  Does that mean that our ex’s and children were/are saints?  And that we will never in our lives again receive a phone call to assist?  Or that we will never be concerned with our children, grandchildren, health, or finances?  We have no fears or cautions to guide us?  What the hell do you people mean, “no baggage?”  That’s absurd.  Of course, we ALL have baggage!  That’s life.  It’s how we handle it that makes or breaks us.  Have we addressed our fears?  Have we told our children/grandchildren that the bank is closed, have a nice life?  Do we have our health issues addressed and are living the best life possible?  Or do we continue to defy and assure that we will be a burden in the future?  Baggage!  Bah-humbug!!

From there, the sorting goes to locations.  Many expect to find happiness right next door (do a demographic survey and see how that works for you).  Others are looking for someone to give up their life and join them at their place, thereby ensuring the heirs an intact inheritance and the hapless newcomer the joy of potentially relocating again if their benefactor expires ahead of them.  Most of us own homes and have lives and are dug in right where we are and are reluctant to relocate.

Yes.  Death.  At our age, it’s the elephant in the room.  This is certainly not something that came up in conversation back in the day.  We were immortal as youth, you know.  Now our mortality is real and something that needs to be addressed if we are to take a promising relationship to the next level.  How do you broach this?  How do you introduce actuarials in a romantic context?  Or does one just ignore this fact of life and hope for the best?  That’s risky.  Most of us are smarter than that.

Religion, of course is something that is non-debatable, IMHO.  We have our preferences and some organizations take very tight control of their congregations.  For that, it seems that the only answer is to join or walk away.  For others, negotiations can be brought to the table.  The field is narrowing.

Given the magnitude of the task and the mountains of barriers, is it even possible for those of us over 60 to ever find love again?  For a rich man, he can buy a trophy wife.  A rich woman, a boy toy.  For us poor average schmucks, it’s a little tougher.  Those of us, male or female, with assets and comfortable incomes are not keen to share it with those that don’t.  The active will bypass the struggling.   If we love our homes and communities, we’re not moving.   Our families now come first and they won’t be out prioritized by a newcomer.

We are doomed by our own successes and failures.  We have hardened into our narrow lives of daily routine and dwindling dreams.  It seems that our keenly developed and stubborn preferences and lifestyles have restricted our accesses and availabilities to the very things we would love most – companionship.  And oh, yes!  Don’t forget the chemistry.