Why I Hate Computers

To start with, I was definitely born fifty years too soon to ever relate to computers, computer programs, electronic data transmission, and obvious operational procedures that completely baffle any semi-intelligent human over the age of say, 45. To say that learning this new technology has been a challenge would be the understatement of the century. I have fought, cursed, concentrated, demanded, and drank my way into trying to understand the obvious. Some knowledge has crept through over the last 20 years, but most of it eludes me to this day.

Take my computer for example (please!). I bought this cute little laptop about two months ago and aside from the frustration of trying to learn MS Office 2007, it seems to be working fairly well. That is, until last night, when it copped an attitude, refused to boot all the way up or shut down when commanded to do so. I must’ve pushed every button on this keyboard in a futile attempt to accidentally hit something that would respond to human touch. But the evil trolls that dwell in the depths of the CPU were not impressed and steadfastly refused to respond to any demand, no matter how hard I hit the key or what language I used to describe its lineage.

I’m not sure if it was the blatant disregard of the machinery to obey me, or the emerging realization that I have become far too dependent on electronic means of communication that frustrated me the most. Suffice it to say that I retired for the day in a complete snit, completely irate over the lack of respect displayed by this cocky little square of plastic and silicone perched on my desk. Somewhere during the night, probably during my 1:00 – 3:00 a.m. sleepless hours, I resolved to take the unrepentant black slab back to the place of its beginnings (Radio Shack) for a sound attitude adjustment.

My first choice of penance was a visit to a locally run computer shop where I had my last towering computer built back in 0-2. What was I thinking? It was only 9:45 and God knows no self-respecting geek ever arrives before, ohhh, say 11:00 or twelve-ish. Forget that. Then it’s off to Radio Shack, pay the damned $40 fee for analysis and get this thing up and running while I still have friends. Of course, it was too early for real tech support, but I managed to give an indignant demonstration of the laptop’s unwillingness to either boot up completely or shut down to the accommodating clerk. Quietly, the young man watched as I stabbed at the power button clearly showing non-obedience. As I completed my tirade, he reached over, pushed on the power button and held it there. POOF!! Off it goes, completely shutting down like a good little computer! Then, just to make matters worse, this….this…..”clerk” (who wasn’t a minute over 22) taps the power button, waits, and viola! On it comes, performing perfectly obviously taking advantage of the opportunity to make me look like a complete old fool.

Snatching the computer off the counter and giving the boy one last glare, I stormed out of the store indignantly while he tore up the work order, returned home, hooked up the computer daring it to disobey me just one more time. But this time, all is well.

(Did I just hear “nee-ner, nee-ner, nee-ner?” Damned computers.)